Yay Sarcasm

Happy Festivus! I have a lot of problems with you people! And they are in no particular order.

LeBron James

You dumped your hometown on a self-serving nationally televised primetime event, and even worse dumped New York before we had a chance to do sweet sweet things to you. Jay-Z mentioned you in a song bitch. You OWE us.

British Petroleum

Your oil spill wasted precious oil! And killed and maimed a ton of cute animals. Then as part of your effort to try and make up for it you hosted a free Jimmy Buffett concert. Go fuck yourself.

Webster Hall

Your floor feels like it’s about to collapse when more than five people dance, which was certainly the case at the Vaselines show. Not that I was able to enjoy it nearly as much as I should have because I kept thinking I was about to DIE.

The Subway that opened near my apartment

You have got some fucking nerve being within a one block radius from where I live. You KNOW I only enjoy the unhealthiest item on the menu. And now I don’t have to waste much precious exercise walking over to purchase it! Assholes.

Desiree

You didn’t tell me for HOURS that the sunglasses I was wearing (and had just purchased) still had a tiny sticker on it. I *will* get you back.

Tumblr

You shut down for an ENTIRE DAY!

Jeff Zucker/NBC

You fired Conan O’Brien. Idiots. Still mad for fucking over producers and writers of ten pm dramas for Jay fucking Leno.

The new Arsenic-based life form discovered by NASA

You will be my murderer someday. I know this and I am watching you.

Cliff Lee

You made the Phillies into a pitching powerhouse when the Mets don’t need anybody’s help in not making the playoffs.

Get Low

You were a mess. Bill Murray (kind of) deserves better.

Every.Single.Umpire

You guys were worse than ever. Yeah that’s right - I talk shit about the blind.

The officiating crew for the Lions’ 1st game of the season

IT WAS A CATCH! DO NOT GO AGAINST MEGATRON!

Interpol (the band)

Your new album sucked and you insisted on filling 83 percent of your set list with it at the Music Hall of Williamsburg gig.

Music Hall of Williamsburg

You allowed Interpol to do that and I lost my debit card in your hipster hall. My insistence of being compensated to the tune of seventeen free beers was laughed at. Buttlickers.

Omar Minaya

Good riddance

Oliver Perez and Scott Boras

You two teamed up to refuse a minor league assignment and were content upon Oliver being paid millions of dollars to keep a part of the bullpen bench warm for two months. Asshats.

ABC and the viewing public

You canned Better Off Ted. We’re not better off.

The US Men’s and Women’s Curling Teams

You guys and gals stunk up the joint in Vancouver when Americans actually gave a shit about your sport for two weeks.

The US Men’s Hockey Team

You teased me with defeating Canada in the round-robin portion of the tournament before falling on your ass in the gold medal game.

Guy who sat next to me in Nationals Park on July 3rd of this year

You were obnoxious and kept being on the verge of getting into fights while sitting right next to me. To cap it all off the Mets blew it in the 9th. Which reminds me.

K-Rod

You made a bad day worse, were completely unreliable as a closer and beat your girlfriend’s father. In the clubhouse. A gentleman AND a scholar!

Jay Leno

You insist on continually existing and being content on being as mediocre as possible.

The guy or gal who spilled beer on me at the Guided by Voices show

You weren’t unexpected, but you’re still a shithead. A shithead with great musical taste but a shithead nonetheless.

San Francisco

You ENDED HAPPY MEALS! You are a monster who likes pot.

Michael Vick

You’re becoming successful again but you are a monster who likes bad things. Get a fish first before you get another dog shitberg.

My phone

You let me send texts I shouldn’t and you have stopped working because I simply dropped you. Sharpen up butterface.

Vampire Weekend

You allowed TWO different companies to play your shitty song in their Christmas commercials this season. You are omnipresent and you must be stopped.

Lost

You ended and didn’t answer everything.

Woody Allen

You should just stop. Please. Take some time off between writing scripts for once and maybe you’ll get “it” back.

Brett Favre’s penis

You should stay away from the news. Forever. Dick.

Because you’re not Bill Murray

Favorite anecdote is the one where a college student was supposedly walking across Washington Square Park at two in the morning when a man jumped him from behind. The man covered the student’s eyes and asked, “guess who?” That man was Bill Murray. “Nobody will ever believe you,” Murray supposedly said, and walked off into the night. To do blow with MGMT I’m guessing.